shy blushes
Jul. 23rd, 2007 12:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kissa_bitesI’m painfully shy and always have been. The thought of approaching someone and just jumping in to a conversation is an anathema to me. I dread family functions of more than 5 people. Job interviews and conferences terrify me, even a crowded office, while great for business, makes me want to hide. I rarely, if ever, send a first IM or say hello first. I hate to be a nuisance or a bother. My thought is: ‘if they want to talk to me, they will, I will just make myself available and see what happens’. I would always rather curl up with a book or quietly watch people rather than try to insinuate myself into a group. I always thought there was another little me, deep inside, who wanted to get out of the corner and enjoy other people, but I could never get past the rest of me who is just terrified.
When I was in high school and working in professional theater, I found a switch inside my brain. It came with growing maturity and years of acting exercises and needing to deal with other people to build a great show (one can’t work in theater and not spend some time in acting classes and under the spotlight even if you’d rather wear black and move furniture). The switch allowed me to close my eyes and step into a second me – the one who was outgoing and outrageous, gregarious and able to do anything! For a long time – and to a certain extent even now, it was just a role – an act that slowly became a very real, very important part of me, that I could switch on at will.
Online, I’m the same as off. Still shy, still unable to send that first IM/pm or start up a conversation without thinking that I’m being a bother, I always prefer to sit in a comfy corner and watch (or quietly in a dear friend’s lap) until approached (or told that it’s time for me to come play), making pithy comments. The switch, though, is easier to flip in the relative anonymity of the internet. A word or a person, can make me flip the switch to sparkle and flirt and play. Many have seen that switch get shut off by a totally unexpected move and I turn into a blushing maiden - friends are amused when that boldness is turned off in the middle of a flirt and I start stuttering. It is always that moment when I want to dash into a corner and hide. It's so very hard to flip the switch again once I've gone ablushing.
I'll always rather have a conversation in the room than in pm - oddly enough, because I'm shy. The possibility or threat of emotional intimacy with a stranger or having to bat someone away because they are making me uncomfortable in private is horrid. I need to ease away from being shy by observing and chatting in public before there is a threat of anything else. When I am approached by someone that I am half comfortable with, I'll either ignore or begin a little dance of non-answers or bold flirtations - that don't touch my emotions very much because they haven't been coaxed out. I'm told that, as bold as I am, I'm still a mystery to some. It's because i'm so shy - and those bold words - as true as they are, usually haven't engaged any real intimacy.
The distance of a blog makes it easy to hit the switch because I don’t need to interact “live” with people except in a very superficial way so I can flip the switch and not worry about the shy me even coming out. With people I meet when “on”, I can frequently stay that way – so there are some people that never meet or interact with *sitting in a corner, watching quietly*. They expect brash and bold – so I can and do give it to them because they are expecting it and for me, it’s safe, free from an emotional clawing. But it’s still just a part of a girl who’s still too shy to feel comfortable making the first move.
It isn’t arrogance when I say “if you want me, come get me”, it’s my sheer incapability of anything else.
When I was in high school and working in professional theater, I found a switch inside my brain. It came with growing maturity and years of acting exercises and needing to deal with other people to build a great show (one can’t work in theater and not spend some time in acting classes and under the spotlight even if you’d rather wear black and move furniture). The switch allowed me to close my eyes and step into a second me – the one who was outgoing and outrageous, gregarious and able to do anything! For a long time – and to a certain extent even now, it was just a role – an act that slowly became a very real, very important part of me, that I could switch on at will.
Online, I’m the same as off. Still shy, still unable to send that first IM/pm or start up a conversation without thinking that I’m being a bother, I always prefer to sit in a comfy corner and watch (or quietly in a dear friend’s lap) until approached (or told that it’s time for me to come play), making pithy comments. The switch, though, is easier to flip in the relative anonymity of the internet. A word or a person, can make me flip the switch to sparkle and flirt and play. Many have seen that switch get shut off by a totally unexpected move and I turn into a blushing maiden - friends are amused when that boldness is turned off in the middle of a flirt and I start stuttering. It is always that moment when I want to dash into a corner and hide. It's so very hard to flip the switch again once I've gone ablushing.
I'll always rather have a conversation in the room than in pm - oddly enough, because I'm shy. The possibility or threat of emotional intimacy with a stranger or having to bat someone away because they are making me uncomfortable in private is horrid. I need to ease away from being shy by observing and chatting in public before there is a threat of anything else. When I am approached by someone that I am half comfortable with, I'll either ignore or begin a little dance of non-answers or bold flirtations - that don't touch my emotions very much because they haven't been coaxed out. I'm told that, as bold as I am, I'm still a mystery to some. It's because i'm so shy - and those bold words - as true as they are, usually haven't engaged any real intimacy.
The distance of a blog makes it easy to hit the switch because I don’t need to interact “live” with people except in a very superficial way so I can flip the switch and not worry about the shy me even coming out. With people I meet when “on”, I can frequently stay that way – so there are some people that never meet or interact with *sitting in a corner, watching quietly*. They expect brash and bold – so I can and do give it to them because they are expecting it and for me, it’s safe, free from an emotional clawing. But it’s still just a part of a girl who’s still too shy to feel comfortable making the first move.
It isn’t arrogance when I say “if you want me, come get me”, it’s my sheer incapability of anything else.
